Confused Soul.
If I was not a God-fearing woman, I would be a very lost chaos wreaking soul.
I probably would be happy in my life of debauchery. Sometimes, I wish I was blind to what we know so I could be considered normal.
Instead, I am a freak.
A very confused freak.
A Jesus freak/lost soul.
When I talk to people around my area they say I am weird for going to a really small catholic school in the middle of nowhere. Sometimes, I question why I did such a thing!
Maybe, I feel that sometimes I know the answer. I was sent there, I found that school because I was meant to go there-to learn, breathe, understand what faith really is. In high school I held the concept of catholicism, but I never fully understood.
I never supported abortion…but I never publicly declared that. I still have trouble telling my views to people. When you are hanging out with elders who are suffering from Parkinson’s and they say that the embryonic research would aid them…you seem like a dumb naiive girl if you are like “well, abortion is wrong, stem cell research is wrong….” when they are suffering. Yes, I wear a keychain on my backpack and pin the little feet on my jacket. It’s just hard to argue. I speak my mind, I pray the rosary outside of clinics at school…but it just is weird.
How to talk about your views on abortion to the punk rockers?
Relatives, they think I’m dumb. Over the holidays I argued with my uncle about manslaughter, rape, and abortion. He told me “you don’t think if God forbid you or my children were raped I’d kill the guy or your father would”. I told him it was wrong.
It’s funny-side by side in the catechism of the catholic church-abortion is on one page/manslaughter is on the other.
Sometimes, I really dislike my life. I know I shouldn’t. There are people who are in poverty and far worse off than I am with my stupid verbatim and banter. I hate complaining but I feel like I am seriously expressing my thoughts.
I love my family. I’m just weird. I’m the only one with different colored hair in my family. I’m the only one who is deemed insane because I’m religious.
My friend Nia—I told her yesterday how sad I was. Nia reminded me that Jesus did not have an easy time on this earth. I always have the words spoken to Saint Bernadette burned into my head: “you will not be happy in this world, but in the next”.
How did I end up where I am today?
I went to a really liberal, jewish high school. I never really fit in. One of two friends from that actual school became a stripper in Rhode Island, and the other I just don’t talk to anymore.
Facebook: you have so many “friends” but when you stop to realize you know that you don’t have 683 friends…more like acquaintances it’s weird.
Technology: It is so weird.
I’m really sad. At the end of the day I think to myself: I am 20 years old, I do not have my license, I never had a job in an actual work place.
I am not like people my age. I do not like to party. I would probably like it if I was legal and everyone was not sh*tfaced and acting belligerent.
People think I’m a hot, cool girl. I waste my potential…because I follow organized religion. They think I am getting brainwashed. Sometimes, I think I am too.
I just want to scream sometimes. At the top of my lungs. I do not know what to do. At the end of the day when I please myself, everyone else seems to be let down. Even if I know my priorities are in check…everyone else does not.
In high school, I felt the way I wanted, did what I wanted, now I have to be conscientiously aware. Aware of my duty as a catholic. It’s a massive burden. I remember at one point in high school I just believed in Saint Bernadette and Saint Francis because it was uncool to like Jesus. I still said my prayers at night…but I mainly focused on praying to them. I think it’s funny how it never fully disbanded. Saints intercede.
Right now, my current dilemma. My boyfriend wrote me a beautiful email apologizing saying how much he wanted me back and if takes giving up drinking to win me back he would. I took him back. I did miss him. I do love him on some level but I do not know where it falls. The other day I was excited to talk to him on the phone that night after making up via email/text. He got a new phone he stated in the email he lost it. I felt bad. Later that evening he told me a “funny” story.
The “funny” story? He got so angry when I sent a “hey, what’s up?” text a day and a half later (after we broke up) that he chucked his phone 100 feet into the woods. I said “hey, what’s up” meaning “let’s talk”. I do not like hurting people. It scares me that he did that. It shows a temper. It makes me remember him storming off when I told him he was drunk in Bermuda on our family vacation in a store. I saw a beautiful asian baby girl and I was like “hi baby” to her in her stroller. He got super close to the baby’s face and kept saying hi. I mean I understand guys being able to show affection towards children but for a man to be so close to a strange little girl is very awkward. Especially, if you are drunk man.
So, yesterday…my boyfriend texts me asking if we could hang out. I said not today. I already was busy and if I took the train into the city I would be exhausted. Drained of life. Plus, it is really awkward riding the train by yourself sometimes and I hate doing so at night.
So…he was okay with that. Last night, he asked if we could hang out for today. Eventually, he added because I didn’t respond for a bit saying: “im trying to feel out the situation cause I need to get my hair, nails and tan :p”. I understand guys wanting to be well groomed…but I just think it is really superficial to say that.
Something just doesn’t feel right. I feel half at ease but in the back of my mind goes “don’t go”. If he got so angry and chucked a phone over a text I question him. He said he would drive me home at the end of the night too. I just wonder if that is safe. I mean he is my boyfriend so I should feel safe. However, I cannot escape the feeling of an underlying passive aggressiveness. I saw the undertone of aggression when he got mad at the Bermudian waitress and the story my brother told me of him being rude to the bartender.
I feel bad for not giving him another chance to prove himself.
I also feel terrible for blowing him off.
I’m probably the worst girlfriend in the world. It’s just that I thought he was my dream catholic guy. I wanted a catholic boyfriend to pray with…to grow spiritually with…to look at art with, go to museums, sit quietly and read by a fire (although it is summer).
He does not like art or boring stuff like that. I enjoy lectures and “boring stuff”.
I never meant to hurt anyone.
I have to tell him…or he’ll just get the message by me not responding today. He hasn’t texted me either.
It is really sad to break up with someone. I feel though this in my life is what I have to do. I do not want to do this though. I wanted to give him a second chance. I even remember thinking before we started dating that Mary was telling me “he is not for you”…every time as I glanced at the statue in my room.
Someone… that fully believes in the teachings of the church…and wants a huge family without thinking I am insane is what I want.
I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep. I have been so exhausted lately. Stress makes me so exhausted. I have so much on my mind.
I hate hurting people’s feelings or families.
All I seek is happiness.
I feel like every time I jump up to breathe in the air I start drowning again.
Please Lord, let me be happy.
